by Leona Illig
Reporter: Thanks, Fred. I’m standing here in the paddock with the contestants for the Em Dash, the first leg of the Punctuation Olympics. This year, the winner gets the rights to edit James Joyce’s Ulysses and all of e. e. cummings’s poetry to include new punctuation, capitalization, and spelling. As you can imagine, emotions are running high. The stakes are enormous. The literary world has been waiting for this match-up for a long time. We’re almost ready to start, so let’s find out if the contestants have any final thoughts as they make their way to the track.
Period, you’re the odds-on favorite. Are you worried about the others ganging up on you, trying to sabotage your chances of winning?
No and don’t ask me again. Period.
What about you, Colon?
Listen, I’m twice the size of Period: he’ll eat my dust.
Semicolon, some people say that your crooked tail will be a handicap today.
Nonsense; my tail gives me a great closing kick.
You and Colon don’t get along very well. Will both of you be fighting for the pole position when the gates open?
It’s true that we’ve traded nasty bumps before; this time will be different. Colon promises a clean race: one for the ages.
Question Mark, Exclamation Mark, your feelings?
We’ll be there at the end, that’s for sure! But does anyone really know who’ll hit the wire first?
Quotes, step over here. What will your strategy be for today’s race?
Well, I “need” to break fast and I “expect” to be there at the end. “Start fast and finish strong” as we like to say.
Thanks. Hyphen, a lot of people claim that you’re only in this race as a pacesetter—a rabbit—for your stablemate, Exclamation Point. Any comment?
Those know-nothing railbirds! I have the know-how, the get-up-and-go, the self-control, the—
Okay, folks, that was Hyphen. And now, with post time just minutes away, here comes the sentimental favorite, Oxford Comma. He’s looking good, Fred, but he’s the oldest contestant and he’s lost his last two races. Oxie, is there anything you’d like to tell our TV audience?
Only that, with all due respect for my competitors, I intend to win this race with grace, civility, and, above all, unambiguity.
So that’s the field, Fred, and I’m turning it over to our track announcer, Dan Derby. Over to you, Dan!
Track Announcer: Thanks, Charlie. They’re being loaded into the gate. They’re standing quietly—wait, Question Mark is backing out of his stall; now they’ve got him back into position. And—they’re off! Colon and Semicolon go out to take the early lead, with Hyphen and Exclamation Point behind them, followed by Question Mark and Quotes on the outside. Oxford Comma is four lengths behind them and Period is last! Through the first turn it’s still Colon and Semicolon battling for the lead, Question Mark has moved up to third, Hyphen is fourth, and Exclamation Point has dropped back. The early pace has been scorching! But here comes Period with a tremendous burst of speed! He’s flying on the outside and Oxford Comma is right there with him! Period and Oxford Comma have left the rest of the field behind and they’ve caught the leaders, Colon and Semicolon! The four of them are bunched up around the turn and coming into the home stretch—whoa, there may have been some bumping there—but Colon and Semicolon are drifting back—they’ve had enough—and it’s Period and Oxford Comma fighting for the lead, stride for stride, head-to-head, pulling away. It’s Period and Oxford Comma, trading leads, back and forth, and as they hit the wire it’s—oh, my, it’s Oxford Comma by a nose! An unbelievable finish to this year’s Em Dash! The old warrior has pulled off the biggest upset of his career! Period hung on for second, followed by Question Mark, Hyphen, Exclamation Point, Quotes, Semicolon, and Colon. Back to you at the winner’s circle, Fred.
Leona is a freelance writer who lives near Baltimore, Maryland. In addition to numerous short stories, she has published a memoire, Mom and Dementia and Me, and a novel about Southeast Asia after the Vietnam war, Erawan: A Reckoning in Laos. For more details, and a complete list of publications, please see her website at www.threevillagesmedia.wordpress.com.
